September 2004 (first part)

Many came to the funeral. I gave the family prayer. Eleven young mothers sang a beautiful hymn. He was buried in the old family plot my grandfather acquired back in 1890. I missed the lunch the RS served and had my sons take me back home because I was so fatigued. I slept through the afternoon. [Wife] and sons went to [north] to go errands for [relatives.] My sister, brothers and their wives came over and we visited and went to dinner.

Sept 5. I watched the Francis Hurricane hitting mid Florida covering 300 miles dia. and moving 3 mi./hr. Francis hit Florida Coast West Palm Beach after dark. [on TV] Great damage. [Wife] returned from [north]. I was so glad to see her. My good time with my brothers and sister resulted in an emotional goodbye after they left my place Friday, they returned to UT on Saturday. I let out my emotions that had accumulated in the past four days. Had a barbeque with family in evening.

Sept 6. Labor Day. Saw "Hero" early pm--An ancient chinese story of power and sword, magic, love. Visited my sister and she gave us a house plant in appreciation of our help through week of her husband's funeral. She is 75. The big rush is over--family hosting-- and now it's quiet. Sadness again settling in. But only temporarily because my wife is so optimistic and uplifting to all.

Sept 7. Slept well last night--the first night in two weeks. But woke up at 5 am on fire, down deep in physical hell--the usual case with fibromyalgia. Very weak. It took a bit to walk five steps to bathroom--muscle pain, aching, horribly depressed. I have my mediation routine to come out of it, though it may take two to four hours (or all day.) Glass of water with 100 mg of caffeine, 1 tablet of Lorazopam, 1 tablet of methylphenatate (sp), 1/3 tsp. baking soda well desolved for nausea. Then back to bed for medications to take effect. I exercise in bed--stretch, roll, hard workout stretching muscles. Isotoner (sp). By 6:30 or 7 am, I'm usually able to get breakfast, but still slow and weak, but recovering enough to set table, etc. I usually get a short rest sometime after breakfast.

I called my cousin to ask how he is doing with his fibromyalgia. He is the one who told me about Alavil (sp).  He has the same reactions I'm having, same side effects: all day dullness and discomfort and short memory problem. His wife is also so afflicted.

Sept 8. Very restless night, up and down and weaker during the night; burning and aching. Aroused at 5 am and treated my problems hoping to come out of the extreme muscle burning and aching. By 6 am the pain was gone--the medications work, but still very weak and depressed. I began to feel much better by 7 am. I hope I can get to the Club meeting by 10:45. A neighbor died (who raised her family in a Navajo trading post). She was a gracious lady.

Sept 9. Had a terrible morning arousing. I could not take a step. Usually up by 5 am or before. I laid back down on the bed and finally made it to the bathroom, hanging and bracing on doors and chest of drawers. Took a cup of water, 50 mg caffeine, 1 tablet each of Lorazopam and methylpendate and 1/3 tsp dissolved soda in glass of H2O. Back to bed. In 30 minutes, I was walking, but still very tired and depressed. Stayed in bed until 7 am. [Wife] got breakfast. I usually get it ready by 7 am. [Wife] in meetings all day [for our retirement community]. Took a long nap.

We've decided on a cemetery. We want to buy two companion sites there. It is a beautiful area beneath a large ash tree and near a statue of Christ with lambs.

"I am my past." -L

"I am part of all that I have met." -Tennyson

Sept 10. Again near hell on arising. Very weak and unstable. I stood by the bed waiting to take the 5-6 steps to the bathroom, but too weak to step and fell backward on the bed. Lay there about 10 minutes, then in mini-movements, stood again. This time, very carefully and steadily, I small-stepped it into the bathroom, holding onto whatever as I moved. In the bathroom, stiffness and much pain--I took my morning antidotes and made my way back to bed. My problem? FIBROMYALGIA (and efs and Epstein Barr according to some MDs.) I slowly came out of it. One more hour in bed recovering, then tried to dress. [Wife] got breakfast. Tired and weak rest of the day. Stayed home, read, slept. Rest is very desirable.

[I find some consolation in that] my cousin is dealing with the same thing I am, and think about our conversation. Birthday committee met here tonight with dinner afterwards

Sept 11. Commemoration in NYC. The Networks carried the goings-on.  The usual bad arousing from my night's sleep. I could not walk to the bathroom. No energy, much pain in muscles. After exercising and stretching in bed, I finally was able to shuffle to the bathroom. My usual medications had me able to get dressed in 30-45 minutes.

I planned to go to our neighbor's memorial, but was too weak and down. I stayed home doctoring and resting and trying to nap. I hope to keep our hospital assignment this evening. (Visiting members.)

Each day in my past included small perturbations that gave small nudges toward what I would learn and become. Decisions so small: trigonometry, radio classes amateur and professional.

My father [when I was a child] ordered a $5 violin from Montgomery Ward. At age 12 I was the one in the family elected to play it. Went on to play the viola... cymbals... Thanks Pop for the violin.... Attended a summer workshop at Harvard.... offered a scholarship at Harvard... Wrote a textbook.... for Harcourt Brace.

Sept 13. I did not go with [my wife] on her trip because I could not cope with the altitude, so I was "Home Alone" and very lonely. She called at dinnertime to say hello and report of the workshop thus far.  Today was a lonely day again. I kept an eye doctor appointment , grocery shopped on the way home. Read and wrote in the evening. Finished John Chrisolm's "The Brethren." Quite a story.

Sept 14. [Wife] arrived home in the evening and we went to dinner. Both exhausted and went to bed early.

Sept 15. At Club meeting, Mrs John Rhodes spoke on the Washinton DC protocal. Quite interesting. [Wife] then went to the temple. I stayed home and called my sister to see how she was doing. She seems to be doing very well. [Wife] returned and we went to dinner, watched the Francis hurricane news. The worst in the History of US.

Sept 16. We went to my appointment with the doctor for Lorazopan and methyphenabate prescription and evaluation. Status quo. It was a nice visit. Dr. was rather jovial today.

Sept 17. [Wife] went to the elementary school to tudor. It was too early in the day that I could go. I am very tired and weak. I didn't gain energy until 10 am.

Sept 18. A dreadful night. I kept [wife] awake through most of my travail. Fibromyalgia is really hell. The problem might have been exuberated by the dentist sending home Sea Silver with [wife] for me to try. I was up and dressed to say goodbye to [my wife] before she left to visit family for the day. I was weak and depressed. (Typical) So, here I am on a Saturday, alone and depressed. Had lunch with grandsons.